HALLOWEEN (Review)

After the first 20 or 30 minutes of Rob Zombie's new Halloween movie, I was sure little Michael Meyers was gonna grab a mic, and a baby blue sweat suit and start busting rhymes, but Haddonfield aint Detroit. Instead of picking up a pen and writing clever stanzas like the pissed off white trash kids of the late 90's, Meyers makes masks, and then he does what psycho kids do today in 2007. He killed his family.

Rob Zombie captured the summer of 2007 better than any other filmmaker. Two of the biggest horror stories of 2007 were The Virginia Tech Massacre and Michael Vick's Dog Hostel. Zombie's retelling, places a young Michael Meyers inside Jerry Springer world. His mother is a whore. Sister is a whore, and fake father is a crippled pedophile. This kid doesnt have a chance, he's killing hamsters, and whatever else he can get his hands on. And he loves wearing and making new masks.

The two Virginia Tech scumbags wore masks too. One was a mute that hid behind computer aliases, he had no friends, was getting no pussy, so he made a video and killed 30 something people. The other Hokie, Mike Vick wore a different kind of mask, a football helmet, and when he wore it he was the most loved individual in the history of the school. At night he liked to go Eli Roth on his pets.

Some of you are confused and wondering what the hell any of this has to do with Halloween. Its got alot to do with it. I wouldnt be surprised at all to turn on CNN or Fox News and see Zombie's Michael Meyers neighbor exclusive with Greta Von Braun. Zombie takes a trouble kid, and follows his journey through hell, and shows ultimately what can happen to a kid that shows serious signs of being really fucked up, when the adults around him do nothing but hope things will get better.

Pathetic health care only makes Meyers worse, and when the system totally fails him, it can no longer contain him. Zombie fails visually here going for the WWE stylized comic book character version of a Slasher. It doesnt work. We dont need a Slasher that looks like WWE, especially after seeing him as a monster with Cherub like features swinging a log at another kids head. Zombie tried too hard stylistically when he was a musician, and he still tries too hard as a director. The recurring cast members only further remove the viewer from believability. But these are small gripes for a B-movie. And thats what Halloween is, its a B-movie. And if there was a B-movie rating system, Halloween would be a 4 star movie. The cinematography is distracting and amaturish, but the nostalgic big hit song selections ballance the compositions in a unique home made movie kind of way. And even though it is over stylized and over edited, it tells the story of todays troubled youth. The sick and violent boy that is screaming out for help, by wearing masks, and no one can see or hear the calls for help.

Parents of weird kids should see Halloween. Troubled kids put on masks. They fool adults. And of course not every kid ends up being an unstoppable Hall of Fame Slasher like Michael Meyers, but even the troubled kids that will never pick up a weapon and kill half their town, or buy a mansion in the middle of nowhere to torture dogs, are still living in tremndous pain. Recognize the symptoms. Its easy to tell that a young Jason Voorhees is fucked up, he's a tard with a bent head, uneven eyes, and he's a very poor swimmer, Michael Meyers on the other hand looks like half the kids I see Skateboarding on the steps at the bank. Carpenter's Michael Meyers was never quite as right next door. Its a different movie. We are living in a much different time. At the end of the Summer, Jason and Michael still aren't behind bars, they are at your local box office. Talking about how fucked up everything was before things got totally fucked up. Im talking about Jason Bourne and Michael Meyers. Two fucked up kids, that you just cant kill. What are we gonna do with em.