HALLOWEEN (Review)

After the first 20 or 30 minutes of Rob Zombie's new Halloween movie, I was sure little Michael Meyers was gonna grab a mic, and a baby blue sweat suit and start busting rhymes, but Haddonfield aint Detroit. Instead of picking up a pen and writing clever stanzas like the pissed off white trash kids of the late 90's, Meyers makes masks, and then he does what psycho kids do today in 2007. He killed his family.

Rob Zombie captured the summer of 2007 better than any other filmmaker. Two of the biggest horror stories of 2007 were The Virginia Tech Massacre and Michael Vick's Dog Hostel. Zombie's retelling, places a young Michael Meyers inside Jerry Springer world. His mother is a whore. Sister is a whore, and fake father is a crippled pedophile. This kid doesnt have a chance, he's killing hamsters, and whatever else he can get his hands on. And he loves wearing and making new masks.

The two Virginia Tech scumbags wore masks too. One was a mute that hid behind computer aliases, he had no friends, was getting no pussy, so he made a video and killed 30 something people. The other Hokie, Mike Vick wore a different kind of mask, a football helmet, and when he wore it he was the most loved individual in the history of the school. At night he liked to go Eli Roth on his pets.

Some of you are confused and wondering what the hell any of this has to do with Halloween. Its got alot to do with it. I wouldnt be surprised at all to turn on CNN or Fox News and see Zombie's Michael Meyers neighbor exclusive with Greta Von Braun. Zombie takes a trouble kid, and follows his journey through hell, and shows ultimately what can happen to a kid that shows serious signs of being really fucked up, when the adults around him do nothing but hope things will get better.

Pathetic health care only makes Meyers worse, and when the system totally fails him, it can no longer contain him. Zombie fails visually here going for the WWE stylized comic book character version of a Slasher. It doesnt work. We dont need a Slasher that looks like WWE, especially after seeing him as a monster with Cherub like features swinging a log at another kids head. Zombie tried too hard stylistically when he was a musician, and he still tries too hard as a director. The recurring cast members only further remove the viewer from believability. But these are small gripes for a B-movie. And thats what Halloween is, its a B-movie. And if there was a B-movie rating system, Halloween would be a 4 star movie. The cinematography is distracting and amaturish, but the nostalgic big hit song selections ballance the compositions in a unique home made movie kind of way. And even though it is over stylized and over edited, it tells the story of todays troubled youth. The sick and violent boy that is screaming out for help, by wearing masks, and no one can see or hear the calls for help.

Parents of weird kids should see Halloween. Troubled kids put on masks. They fool adults. And of course not every kid ends up being an unstoppable Hall of Fame Slasher like Michael Meyers, but even the troubled kids that will never pick up a weapon and kill half their town, or buy a mansion in the middle of nowhere to torture dogs, are still living in tremndous pain. Recognize the symptoms. Its easy to tell that a young Jason Voorhees is fucked up, he's a tard with a bent head, uneven eyes, and he's a very poor swimmer, Michael Meyers on the other hand looks like half the kids I see Skateboarding on the steps at the bank. Carpenter's Michael Meyers was never quite as right next door. Its a different movie. We are living in a much different time. At the end of the Summer, Jason and Michael still aren't behind bars, they are at your local box office. Talking about how fucked up everything was before things got totally fucked up. Im talking about Jason Bourne and Michael Meyers. Two fucked up kids, that you just cant kill. What are we gonna do with em.

HOLLYWOOD IS DEAD

Its official, HOLLYWOOD is dead. Oh wait, DISTURBIA came out on DVD this week. Please!!! SHIA LEBUST is already tired? Is that all 5 studios can come up with? I know I know, revenue is up. But give me a break. The only thing to look foeward to is ROB ZOMBIEs HALLOWEEN tracing? And more lame Werewolf movies? Comic books?

Ok, so Torture is dead. The Asians did it Better anyway. Psychological thrillers are dead. BRIAN KEENE has a movie coming out, but his stuff is just more derivitive fan-boy tracing at best. Eli Roth is doing Cell? Which is derivitive of Keene's THE RISING and CITY OF THE DEAD, which is derivitive of DAWN OF THE DEAD, which Romero is yet yawning out another tracing.

Is anybody making anything worth looking at? Anybody? Dont email me and say THE HOST. And forget the ASYLUM stuff, they took 8 steps backwards in 2007. FANGORIA is still way overpriced, Hollywood sucks, and Im sitting here with DISTURBIA and a bottle of good Scotch. Give me some godamn good horror movies already!

WHEN A STRANGER CALLS (late review)

I'm not gonna pile on and bash a little shit movie that probably should have never been re-made anyway. With that said, I liked it. Its under 90 minutes long, good music, and it was way warmer inside the theater than it was in South Florida (40 Degrees) Paid $5.50 for a twilight ticket. Not bad. Moving right along...

FINAL DESTINATION 3 (REVIEW)

Director JAMES WONG is back on the lens for FD:3. Is that fate or what? He might have escaped ruination the first time around, but this time there is no place to hide. Wong and his stable of no-name actors board a Devil themed roller coaster. The amusement here is a freefall into gore. And thats a great thing. Hot chicks in tanning beds. A swollen Ray Lewis clone in a gymnasium, and a subway trip that plays like something out of John Rocker's memiors. All aboard!

AB-NORMAL BEAUTY (Review) Tartan

Tartan Asia Entertainment has brought us alot of good shit. AB-NORMAL BEAUTY is refreshing. Nods to Antonioni. Its a camera nerd movie. Hot Asian girls with rocked out Nikon cameras? Whats better than that? One of the girls takes a pic of a dead body and she gets weird after. Perfect. Im hooked. AB-NORMAL is a good rental. The subs are well done. I hope Tartan keeps cranking out great J-Horror flicks from those Pang Brothers.

When its between AB-NORMAL BEAUTY and GINGERDEAD man. Go with the AB-NORMAL.

STRANGER has best B.O. of the week

WHEN A STRANGER CALLS claims the box office with $21.6m in its opening weekend. Yawn.

EXCORCISM: The Possesion of Gail Bowers (Review)

Lame release from Leigh Scott and the boys over at The Asylum. I'm usually a fan of the stuff The Asylum cranks out, but Exorcism is below par. I expect more from David Michael Latt. Ive learned to trust The Asylum brand, dont burn me too many times.

Evil Breed - The Legend of Samhain (REVIEW)

Lions Gate releases another worthy Slasher film. This time with Porn stars. Jenna Jameson. Dont let that turn you off. Evil Breed - Samhain is a good B-movie Slasher flick. Irish legend, blah blah blah, how about some hot chicks running around screaming. The gore is at a high level. Bobbie Philips is hot. Rent it.

Michael Westbrook at Super Bowl XL

Michael Westbrook
Originally uploaded by oransecane.

Got to meet and hang out with former Colorado Buffalo, and Washington Redskin wide receiver Michael Westbrook. We even stopped for a photo on the red carpet at the Miami Ink party.

HAMMER FILMS: NIGHTMARE (review)

I played the flawed Universal DVD on my iBook. Another great film from the folks at Hammer. Moody direction from Freddie Francis makes this nutter female flick a true classic. Paranoia and dread dominate this psycho flick about a hottie that has bad dreams. Uhhh... Whats new?

IS FANGORIA CRAZY?

Nine bucks for Fangoria. Actually more, its $8.99 + local sales tax. I actually ask for Fangoria as a Winter Holiday present now. I was lucky enough to get the January printing from a very generous friend. King Kong on the cover, and a review/tout of a collection of shorts on a DVD produced by Fangoria. 9 bucks for this? Puff pieces about wide rental release genre films around the December and January months. A puff piece on Eli Roth and Hostel. A whack article on Underworld: Evolution. Pretty Cool article on Creep.

Dont get me wrong. Im a lifer Fango fan. But 9 bucks? Megayacht magazines are like 6 bucks. Quality porn periodicals like Hustler are like 8 bucks. Fangoria is zombifying their own audience. I feel sorry for the broke kids, future filmmakers, and fx artists that are being price gouged by the publishers of Fangoria.

I wont pay more than 5 bucks for Fangoria. If rich friends want to buy it for me fine, I'll gladly take it and read it.

HAMMER FILMS: THE KISS OF THE VAMPIRE (DVD)

10:17 Try to play Universals Hammer Horror Series DVD on my cheap DVD player.

10:18 DVD player freezes up.

10:22 Hook up Initial 8" DVD player to TV.

10:23 Initial DVD freezes up.

10:25 Break out the 14" iBook, and the Dewars.

10:26 DVD boots to menu.

10:27 Watch KISS OF THE VAMPIRE

12:08 - Great film, shitty DVD. Once I got the film to play on the right DVD player, my iBook, THE KISS OF THE VAMPIRE was pure Hammer and I'd like more sir. Newlyweds run out of gas, end up in a castle. Dude gets his bride taken from him from a Player ina castle. Think white P-Diddy. Nobody will help the hero get his bride back. Lots of drippy paranoia and helplessness, not too much on the gore factor. Its Hammer Films. I didn't know any of the actors by name. Didnt care. Those mutton chopped scene chewers take overacting to levels all the Baldwin brothers combined cant match. Enter the Vampire hunter. ThatswhatImtalkingabout. Good ending, I wont spoil it. Bring the Hammer.

DARK DELICACIES (short story collection)

The first imprint from the Los Angeles horror boostore DARK DELICACIES is jam packed with chilling little reads from some of the biggest names in the business. Some of my favorite picks are THE REINCARNATE by RAY BRADBURY; PART OF THE GAME by F. PAUL WILSON; BLOODY MARY MORNING by JOHN FARRIS; THE PYRE AND OTHERS by DAVID J. SCHOW (who is also writing the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PREQUEL); and THE DIVING GIRL by RICHARD LAYMON. These shorties are the perfect time killer while waiting in line at the cell phone store or anywhere else. Pick up a book! Pick up the trade paperback DARK DELICACIES and settle down to some spine chilling short fiction.

U:E UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION

Another ambitious effort from director Len Wiseman. If you liked the 1st, you will like the 2nd. Its simple, if you ask alot of questions during a film, you probably wont like U:E. Vampires and Werewolves? Im there. U:E is the rare instance where the sequel is actually better than the original. Kate Beckinsale is awesome as a female Neo Vampirella. Only one lame sex scene stalled the action for me. Its a Vampire Classic. When is part 3 coming out? I'm there.

Damned Box set DVD's

This rant is for all the crappy studio released DVD sets that absolutely suck in quality. This time its UNIVERSALS "The Hammer Horror Series" 8 Hammer classics on 2 double sided DVDs. With Macrovision. Spit. They dont play on all my DVD players. Just like the MUMMY Collection has fits with different players. The Paramount FRIDAY THE 13th DVD COLLECTION also sucks. What is it with the collections that make these DVDs tempermental? Is it because the cheap studios cut costs, and compress too many movies, along with Macrovision , on too few disks. Im pissed. I love the Hammer Horror classics like Night Creatures, and Phantom of the Opera, but these shitty DVDs wont play in all my different DVD players. Thats piss poor.

DEMI acts her age in HALF LIGHT

The only RINGs Demi sees are the ones under her eyes! Just kidding, she looks great. HALF LIGHT is a RING ripoff, with elements also bitten from King and Lovecraft. I enjoyed the film. Its slow. I can handle that. Its in the DARK WATER/SKELETON KEY ballpark which I have been digging on lately. Long helicopter shots, moody music, a spooky lighthouse, its all good. Moore plays a rich author who loses her son, and moves to a Lovecraftian seaside town somewhere in the BK. She meets the lovechild of Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp, or did she? Half Light is a fun ghost story/thriller/caper/straight-to-dvd/B-movie that I have no problem shelling out 3.99 for.

City of the Dead (novel) by Brian Keene

I just finished Brian Keene's CITY OF THE DEAD. Cool read, then again I'm always down with the walking dead. I thought the book was action heavy, but thats aiight. There was enough gore splattered between the pages to keep me flipping them. I didn't read the 1st in the series THE RISEN, but I didn't feel like I jumped into the middle of a story either. CITY OF THE DEAD stands on its own, and like most zombies it wobbles a little here and there. I'll definately be looking for big things from Brian Keene.

Its a Hostel world out there!

Congrats to Eli Roth and the success of Hostel, knocking Narnia out like that.